Therapy? Who needs therapy?

So my shrink says I need therapy? I say I just need to get it all out! And I've decided that I will! I don't need someone to tell me what I already know. I don't mean that I have all the answers, I don't. But, I don't think anyone else does either. So I will keep my $30/hour, and instead, I will try to devote as much time a day, as I can to writing it all down here, and maybe that will help me get this whole mess out of my 'head' and my 'heart' and then, just maybe, I will finally be able to not 'get over it' but learn to 'live with it'. My very oldest and best friend in the world told me that the last time I saw her. It is my new mantra. I know she'll never read this...so thanks Lisa...I love you more than you will ever know!

I know that what I want and need is closure to my medical mishap of 2006. I keep thinking that the trial will bring me that. But, with NO trial date set, and now new experts to be called, and Dr F is now leaving Dallas, it seems when we take two steps forward we get pushed back 5 feet. I spend a week or two in tears, and then I pick myself up and go through the motions, until something happens that takes me back to that place again. And each time I hate her a little bit more, and myself even more. It's a vicious never ending cycle.

Here is what I want her to know.

Dr W - we all make choices. I made a choice when I trusted the faith that my primary care physician had in the choice she made in her recommendation of you. She spoke so highly of you, your cutting edge approaches. I made an appointment with you that day. That was my choice. I did not do my research. That was my choice. And a year later, when I did do my research, I wouldn't find much anyway. The only thing I might have found, that might have given me pause, was your age. We were born the same year. I would NEVER have known that looking at you. I did think you were MUCH older than me. Not by the way you carried yourself, but the way you looked. I guess all those long hours in the hospital life will do that to a person. But, that was YOUR choice.

You spent so much time with me...three hours. We discussed many options. I made the choice to have surgery. I was in so much pain. I had missed so much work. I had missed so many activities. I wanted to feel better. I wanted that dibilitating to pain to be gone. I wanted the nausea to be gone. I wanted to feel normal again. You weren't sure that any of the other options would work long term. You knew that removing the cyst, the ovary and the cervical stump would solve the problem. You knew that, and I made the choice.

You were so busy with so many other deliveries during August and so many other surgeries that August. August 31st was the earliest you could do mine. I should have seen that as a warning sign. I know that now. I remember your scheduler telling me that you were so busy you had added Thursdays to your schedule. So many surgeries, so little time. But, all I could think of was how bad I felt. And I never considered the risk I was taking having the surgery over a holiday weekend. After all, it was 'day surgery'. Your in, your out. No fuss. No worries. If only that was all true...

Kids...

I really didn't have a clue that raising kids was going to be THIS hard! It seems like it is a constant battle. A battle over time, hair, clothes, food, friends, school, phones, etc. Is there NOTHING that we can agree on?

I try to be 'ok' with so many things...and then I find myself feeling absolutely taken advantage of and 'played'. I find myself saying things that I swore I would never say. Doing things I swore I would never do! It's so frustrating. But, at the same time, I would do anything for them! I want them to always have everything they want and need, but I also want them to be grateful for what they have! There is MY biggest problem.

How do you teach them graciousness, when they have never truly 'gone with out'. How can they be grateful for what they have, when they have never known any different? We give and give and give. We want the best for them, better than what we had. But, then we become angry when they don't appreciate the sacrifices we make and what we give them.

I guess I still need a Parenting 101 class. I either missed it, or failed it. I'm sure my kids will get back to me soon on how badly I have failed it! It amazes me that anyone can have kids, and I do believe that most try to do the best we can! But, what if our best isn't good enough?